My World Population Me

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I think there’s only been two times in my life that I’ve been accidentally racist. The first incident happened when I was 11 years old, my friends brother said “if you eat too many carrots it can actually tinge your skin orange”, to which I replied “& if you eat too much shit you turn brown”… The brother immediately turned to me with cut eyes & said “that’s so racist” & stormed off… Man I felt terrible, you think I’d put up a better guard… But no.

Three days ago I was in Chicago o’hare airport arriving from a trip to Mexico, after spending the last 8 days there my mindset was stuck on Mexican life & as I passed through customs I’m looking for which bay will have my luggage when a guy asks me “where city are you looking for friend?”, after I told him where he directed me to the right area & I’ll tell you what not to say, don’t say “gracias!” if the guy you are saying it to is Mexican but living in America. Very suave.

I was talking with Ash tonight when suddenly there was an advertisement on tv for “Da Kink In My Hair” and it got me thinking how you do not see a lot of shows created for a target audience of a certain race. This is not to say if you are not black you cannot watch Da Kink In My Hair, I’m just saying it’s not trying to connect with a 40 year old caucasian as its target market. Same goes with that show with George Lopez (oh fuck I hope it’s George Lopez in it or I’m in trouble) that’s designed to reach a more Hispanic/Mexican audience, there’s an assortment of race oriented shows, even Little Mosque On The Prairie! Now, I understand why these shows exist, there’s a lot of different races in the Western society so they are reaching out to them since 99% of shows are using caucasians. But how come they have nothing for the Chinese? Surely there’s almost as many Asians in North America as there are most races non-caucasian! Why the fuck do they not have a show here with awkward situations, cheesy dialogue and rom com formula’s making a “hit” North American chinese sitcom? It seems like it would be a dynamite of a show! Can you even think of any shows with a Chinese character playing even close to a lead? (only one we could think of was the neighbour in King Of The Hill).

Can you think of any???

***ps: the blogs back, you can start checking it again, sorry, after 9 flights and being away half the year I’ve got more time to do things again!!! We’re over the hump of busy’ness and moving forward now!

pps: image searching “asian” brings up primarily porn…when I tried searching almost any other “race” it didn’t have the same results…weird…

This years been quite a busy one for me, 3 weeks ago I was in Cuba, last week I was away for my sisters wedding & in 2 days I’ll be in Mexico. Life’s so hard, I know. But on my way to Cuba myself and the misses were stopped by the police in the Cuban airport where we were asked if we smelt weed. I replied “no”, he then asked “do we have any weed on us” which i also replied “no”, because, well, we didn’t have weed/nor did we smoke any. There was absolutely no smell of marijuana on us, around us, anywhere in that entire airport I bet. Now this can be a little terrifying because you are in a foreign country and your rules don’t really apply anymore and you never know if you are being set up. Anyways, after running a dog through all of our stuff about 14 times they obviously found nothing, but that didn’t stop them. They then proceeded to want to look through all of our stuff. First the officer asked what was on my jacket, assuming it was weed? I’m not sure if he’s ever seen weed because it was dog hair, thing hair like gingery dog hair. He made that “ah, makes sense” face and continued looking, next he found my acai and some other fruit fucking juice mix and asked what that distinct smell was, thinking again, dope? no good sir, that’s the acai…”ah, makes sense”. Next they asked my girlfriend what her birth control pills were, could this be the drugs they sensed?!? Nope, after trying to explain to them what they were the lady looked at us and and pointed to her stomach and shook her finger “no?”, yup, bingo, no baby maker. This went on for about 30 more minutes before we were finally set free. I think if you’re going to try and set someone up and use it as a chance to search their stuff (and read my magazine article about a human jet and asked for my laptop) at least walk around with a marijuana perfume or rub hemp on my shit or something. Thank fuck they let me out of there after 30 minutes otherwise that condom in my ass filled with cocaine could have broken any second after that!!!

*note to customs: ‘ a joke, i am no heroin/cocaine mule*

I’ll try and update what I can while I’m away. In other good news I started toying with the new recording set up and it sounds great. Expect a new comedy album from Lulu & The Buffalo Factory this year as well as other new material from myself. I plan to release a full length rap album and a few other things. Updates soon.

So I apologize yet again for the lack of updates. 2009 has been a crazy year already, I’ve been away pretty much half the year so far and it’s making it really hard to get things done. I’ll try and have a few posts go up over the next week while I’m out of the country again but after that things should get back to normal. March is going to be a fun month and we’re working on bringing you new features asap!!! Don’t think this site is getting the back seat treatment, oh no my friends, still V.I.P, I’ve been writing a bunch it’s just yet to come up! Soon, oh so soon! I’ll get a new post up tomorrow that isn’t me whining as to how busy things have been.

***NOTE!!!*** Unfortunately due to the growing nature of the website and the attention that brings with spams/ads we have been forced to change into users can only with a registered blog name. We apologize, it is by no means to not allow people to send hate mail/love anonymously but so we can limit spam on the site. Until further notice we have to keep it this way but we’re working on changing it back! Thanks!

I don’t know if this could be classified as a fantasy, because I was thinking about it in my head, completely un-sexual, but anyways, do you think those guys you see in videos with foot long penis’s (penii?) have them sit in the water in the toilet when they are seating on the toilet seat? Mine does not, let the records show I do not have a 2 ft penii, BUT, sometimes it’s come a little close (this varies, again, no massive penis) but what do those guys do with such a big member? Do they have to fold it in half just to keep their knob aiming into the small space between the seat & your testies so you don’t pee everywhere? There’s no way they could just let it sit in the toilet… man what a ballache…err..dickache I guess, having to bend or twist it. If anyone has a 2 ft penis (I can imagine how many dickheads are going to make a comment) please solve this worldwide mystery.

I hate these books or any book similar to it’s kind. I also hate that a movie is being made on said type of books. These things are retarded & I know it can be hard for those of you being toyed around or feeling the heartache but since I’m such a sweet dude I’ll give my tips of “he’s just not that into you” on here for you, free of charge. Let’s begin:

1) You NEVER hear from him…he’s just not that into you.
2) He said “It’s over, I don’t want to date you anymore”…he’s just not that into you.
3) He’s dating another girl…he’s just not that into you.
4) He cheats on you every other weekend…HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU.
5) He’s gay…he’s just not that into you.
6) He says “sorry, we’re just friends”…he’s just not that into you.
7) He calls you only when he’s drunk and horny…he’s into you..but then out of you, then into you, then out, then he’s JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU.

We could go on forever, but that paints a good enough picture. So if you notice any of those, don’t read any more books about it and just get over it and move on and live life dummies.

Live is best. It’s raw and there’s always room for hillarious accidents and mistakes! This is what makes QVC great, anything can happen and nobody can do anything about it! I thought tonight I would dedicate it to QVC and their live way of life:

I hate those ads everywhere that are battling lung cancer & encourage you to quit smoking in a certain month & you’ll win a car! What about those of us who don’t smoke? Do we get to enter for betting the others to the punch? I’ll take up smoking for a day & quit if it means I can win a car. Everyone says smoking is one of the hardest things to quit so my odds of winning have to be pretty good if I’m one of the few to actually quit.

How come there isn’t a ton of awesome contests where only non-smokers can enter, wouldn’t that entice the smokers to stop killing themselves & come win sweet prizes with us?

I think despite the worlds attempt to stop smoking through raising prices, banning it in buildings, etc we are still backing it with special contests, extra breaks at work & more. I demand a contest where I am entered for free for a chance to win a car because I don’t smoke at all for a month! Who’s with me?!

They say traveling broadens the mind, I’m not sure who “they” are, but I believe it’s true. I’ve been traveling a decent amount in the past year and I think it’s exposed me to some great things. There’s so much more I’d like to do, the reason for this is there’s so much more cool things I need to experience like, oh I don’t know, blowing up a cow with a bazooka?

In Cambodia for anywhere between $50-250 USD you can blow up a cow with a bazooka or for $2 shoot a chicken with a pistol!!! That’s so evil but quite epic. I mean, I picture it quite cartoonie and a big puff of smoke appears and leaves a charred ground and no cow, but in reality it probably blows up a 1/3 of the cow leaving blood and guts everywhere. Sucks for the chicken, I mean, chances are the cow is out for the count with a rocket, but the chicken has bad odds of dying right away.

You can also “boom boom” a prostitute, get almost any drug imaginable (weed to heroin) and so much more…and I thought shooting a gun so massive you need someone to hold you up in Texas was cool!

burgers for dinner?

Speaking of Mormons, I was watching that show mentioned in the previous post and what I believe was the eldest male in the family proposed to his girlfriend and after doing so & she said yes he hugged her with excitement. He said he had to really fight the urges to kiss her…yes, to kiss her! This made me wonder..if they are waiting to have sex until after they are married and like most humans I assume they look forward to the day they do it, how do they fix this to make sure they aren’t waiting too long?

From the research I’ve found, the average age for someone to get married in the US is 26.8 for males and 25.1 for females. Can you guess what it is for Mormons?

22.3 for males and 21.0 for females! Clever clever horny mormons.

“she does! and i do! amen! now lets forget the dong bags and knock boots!”