Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category
Saying things you shouldn’t be saying while intoxicated.
The other day I somehow magically got a little tipsy. This isn’t so much a problem until you have to be found by your roommate by giving her a description that you’re on a patch of grass and you are followed by the police and likely would have been taken into the station if it weren’t for the fact that she’s sober and you’re 1/2 a block from your house and as they let you off you yell “mind your business pigs or i’ll slit your bacon throats”.
I have NOTHING against the fine law enforcements keeping our mean streets safe, I think drunk obnoxious people need to be calmed down & I’m not one to threaten someone I don’t know; especially officers. I was very lucky they likely couldn’t understand my slurring and that only few people like my roommate possess the skills to understand me. Perhaps I need to talk to someone about this problem, it’s one thing when it’s a joke to friends like “come hang or i’ll stab you with a friendship pencil”…or maybe I should just stop drinking. Neither is very likely, i’ll likely get shot or arrested first and I don’t blame them, but c’mon, can’t we be friends? bacon throat slicing friends?
Do you remember any great drunk quotes?
Illnesses are the new swear words.
Humans are odd. We choose to do really weird things, act in crazy ways and say things that don’t really make sense. Profanity for example comes to mind. I find myself sometimes saying things like “the dude was such a dick fuck”..really? a dick fuck?
Fuck, it’s such a weird word. You can say “Fuck that fucking fuck” and it works. I know people try and use other words like “gay” for example, saying “you’re gay”, “that’s gay” & “this is gay” are quite common. The word retard, same thing, “you’re a retard”, “that’s retarded”, etc. But one thing you don’t really hear that I wonder if it will ever catch on is using diseases/illnesses as slang.
“She dumped you? That’s super aids’ee”
“Would you shut up, you’re so diabetic”
&
“Look at this whiny slut, bitch’s got malaria or sumthin’!”
I feel like that’s the next big thing in profanity. So if you hear your children saying “I’m grounded?!? You dumb aids breath” you know who to thank.
Movie Titles altered for porn round 2.
A few months ago I made a post about how funny movie titles altered into porno titles are and came up with a few of my own. Some examples are:
Grandma’s Toy
Got Rod
Citizen Kame
The Curious Case Of Ben jammin Butt
Poundhog Day
Lock, Cock & Two Poking Bare Holes
For the whole list go here.
Today I decided I’m going to post round 2, but to change it up I decided to use kids movies…for child porn titles. Let’s begin:
Cox & The Pound
Monsters, dinc.
Bukake & The Beast
Fingering Nemo
Golden CumAss
Stuart Dittle
Little Spermaid
Cherry Poppins
Sword & The Bone
Pochmyanus
What a way to end the night. Goodnight gang. More to come.
Renaming the swine flu/Mexican flu/H1N1
So this is likely the 10,000th time you’ve heard “media” talk about the swine flu/Mexican flu/H1N1. I both love it and hate it. I love it because it’s not more “war” talk or “recession” talk. This made people forget that neither of these stupid shitty things are really a big issue and it proved itself even slightly today by the stock markets going up and financial woes looking less dreary! I hate it because now it’s all I hear, another shitty thing for the media to latch onto and squeeze dry. With this comes annoying USELESS bitching. It’s hypocritical of me in a sense because my last 3 posts today have all been about how stupid people are, but that’s pointing out facts so I like to think it’s different.
I don’t know if you’ve heard about how Muslim & Jewish groups want the flu not to be called “swine flu” because of their sensitivities over pork. In case you are also unaware these groups consider pigs to be unclean and are forbidden from eating them. That is fine, to each their own…but hey!, assholes, just because you may get this particular flu does not mean you ATE pork..people who get aids did not EAT aids…they may have previously ate a penis that later GAVE them aids, but it’s NOT the the same thing.
Seriously, fucking suck it up! It’s not like it’s called “Nazi flu” or for Muslims the “i love Jesus flu”. If it somehow gets changed to one of those give me a call and I’ll come stand by your side to say this is not right, until then chill the fuck out.
A man is free after beating and attempting to rape a woman. yay society.
Back in 2005 a 27 year old asshole attacked an innocent 52 year old woman. While waiting for the metro this fuck tried to sexually assault her. He was pretty drunk and ended up slamming her face into a wall, stabbing her in the head, smashed in her cheek, jaw & eye socket and put her in a coma for a mere 2 months with brain damage. The judge ruled that since he did 2 years of community service for smaller charges like attacking 5 others and her he seemed to prove himself that he was better from his drug and alcohol addiction, so she set him free.
C’mon, give him a break, he was REALLY drunk …oh wait, I’ve been BEYOND drunk and still have yet to RAPE OR SEVERELY BEAT SOMEONE INTO A COMA AND ATTACK 5 OTHERS! I believe in people make mistakes, that’s why pencils come with erasers…but if the pencils go around stabbing everyone instead of drawing…shave that shit to nothing! I mean, his attack only left a permanent mental damage both physically and mentally on the lady…she has a massive scar on her face, she can’t even focus to read a book anymore and she can’t work…oh but you’re better now? That’s great! I’ve got a few friends with drinking problems, I think i’m going to tell them to just go bash some skulls and try and rape some clunge and things will get better for them.
World you’ve done it once again.
Quebec police officer finds baby in forest…decides not to abandon.
Earlier this week a police officer in Quebec rescued a 1 year old baby that was abandoned by his father in a forest. Thankfully a helicopter spotted the baby and a 33 year old officer came to the rescue! When he found the young ruffian he picked it up and booked it quoted as saying “it was full throttle”. This is wonderful news! The thing that bothered me is when I read another quote from the officer:
“In this child, I saw my own little guy abandoned, and I said, ‘There’s no way we’re leaving this child freezing here all alone in the forest,’ “.
Now I understand how this could make him think of HIS 2 month old child…but is he saying if he didn’t have a little one of his own there is a possibility of him getting there and saying “nah..never mind, I think he looks happy here..alone in the forest, he’ll be ok, bye baby”??? why the fuck would you say that? “I saw that old lady moments from burning to death in the flames and thought “hey…if this was my grand mother that would really suck”..so there was NO way I was going to let her burn”.
people are retarded.
Child Beauty Pageants
I’m going to go out there and say it…child beauty pageants are one of the creepiest things on earth. They are creepier than a scruffy man standing on the outside of a fence staring at kindergarten kids whispering “come here my pretties, i want to lick you & see what you taste like”. Seriously.
I feel so bad for these kids! This has to be child abuse. Mothers/Grandmothers/whomever…just because you are now an attention craving fat ugly disgusting piece of shit does not mean you should try and live your life vicariously through your daughter. Don’t you DARE give me that “she’s happy doing this though” bullshit! ERRONEOUS! FUCK YOU! SHE IS NOT! Put on Dora the fucking explorer in front of her and watch the smile on her face! Give her some Bratz dollz and watch her glow! LET HER PLAY OUTSIDE WITH HER FRIENDS AND WITNESS THE ENJOYMENT SHE’LL HAVE!
Not to mention, dropping a few G’s on dresses? Make up? Hair? Lessons?!? You could build her a fucking tree fort palace with marigold round on the outside with a solid room that’s strictly a water bed with a massive aquarium for a ceiling/walls in the hallways with the same money!
You are not your daughters best friend! If she knew anything else she’d enjoy it and you’d be alone! SAD AND DESPERATE! like you fucking deserve!
I’ve got a talent for your daughters next pageant performance, let her show off her knot tying and rope skills! You can even volunteer! Get on a chair on stage (WOW! YOU’RE IN THE SPOTLOT NOW TOO BEAUTIFUL!) let her tie a knot, throw it around your neck…then kick out the chair and show everyone how talented she is that her knot skills kept the noose together! HOORAY!
Shame on you.
Being in a lotto 6/49 commercial.
I’ve done some film stuff before and it’s pretty fun. You can get paid pretty awesome and you get treated like royalty..kind of, but anyways, people cater to your needs and generally it’s pretty good. But I could NEVER be in a lotto 6/49 commerical…how the FUCK can those people pretend to be so happy? That would be the saddest moment of my life, doing something I know I will never experience. I could fight dinosaurs, fly a jet, blow up cars with my mind and more in film no problem, but pretend to be excited when a loved one says we won? No fucking way! Because that connects to close to home of something I really would love to have in life. I mean, i WOULD want to fly a jet or fight a dinosaur or fly and shit, but I’ll never be able to. Lotto 6/49? I buy those weekly and every time I read the paper monday and see nobody has won yet I run to the shop thinking I have the winning ticket! Who am i? like I’m going to ever fucking win. You know how the dude who played superman was depressed because he wanted to actually be superman afterwards? thats how i would feel doing lotto 6/49…i would want to walk away actually having millions. fuck that, no way. Note to people who want to hire me for videos, don’t waste your breath if that’s what its for. Unless it pays millions.
Magic Goat arrested after stealing a car.
Recently a goat was being held in police custody in Nigeria on suspicion of attempted robbery of a Mazda 323 car. Apparently some vigilantes took the goat in claiming it was a male criminal who had used magic to transform himself into a goat in order to evade being captured. They said to are thinking of what to do and won’t base any decisions without scientific evidence that he actually did transform.
This is mental! Why am I not in Nigeria stealing everything I can?!?
“Sir, did you steal all of the money from these 4 banks, put it into a stolen Mercedes and kidnap our countries top model?”
“Nope, it wasn’t me, it was….that….chicken?”
“Thank you! Here is $50 from crime stoppers for giving us a tip to solve the crime”
What kind of world are we living in?!?
Technology.
Today’s theme is technology. This is because I decided today that I must go buy an electronic device to film HD this month so we can really get going on things! This means videos are coming, muahaha!
In support of this, I present this wicked video, why don’t we have this now?!? ps: I’ll update more after this weekend, I’m in the studio friday so things will be less hectic after then!