My World Population Me

Archive for November, 2008

When Jesus and Noah teamed up and Noah built an arc, gathering together two of every creature on this planet and packing them in what I would naturally assume would be one hell of a packed boat how do you think they went about to choosing what two animals matched up together? Like did they gather a list of the strongest, smartest & most elegant of its species and have them compete to see who makes the cut? Similar to try outs for the olympics? Or did they just kidnap two of them and forcefully make them like each other? Like an arranged marriage. Did Jesus use his jedi-esque powers to make them fall in love and mate? Perhaps there was a massive animal dating service and they found who was the most compatible and would breed the best and they made the cut.

It would not be fun to be one of the thousands to millions of animals of your species who did not get chosen. That’s like not being invited to the cool club but instead of feeling like more a loser you get the shit end of the stick and drown.

Also, what if the animals just could not get along no matter how hard Jesus tried. They tried to mate and get along in day to day activities but there’s a lot of stress I can imagine in a boat FILLED with millions of other animals, I couldn’t have a nice conversation with someone if two tigers or cobra’s were sitting beside me. Perhaps that’s why Dodo’s are extinct, they were crammed between two really dangerous and scary animals and could not just spark the magic.

Why didn’t Jesus just text God and say “how about this…don’t make the flood happen.” and everything would have been avoided.

it wasn't all rainbows and happy faces i bet..

Today I found out someone tried to start “Kick a Ginger Kid day” on facebook, hahahahaha. They blamed it on south park of course. Like all things in this world someone took it too far and ruined it for everyone! Some douche bags beat up a ginger kid and things got serious, so there are now rally groups to come together to stop bullying on gingers. But c’mon! So many people I know notice their beards turning ginger…THE DISEASE IS SPREADING! It should be like how the government allows hunting on certain animals in a season so they can maintain the population, we should do this with gingers. Help make sure it doesn’t get out of control! Rally & come together!

thanks but no thanks.

Today I learnt that Mormon’s have special underpants and it blew my mind. Looking into it I found this on the mormon-underwear.com website (yes that is a real website):

For temple-going Mormons, the garment serves much the same purpose as religious clothing throughout history—it privately sets them apart from the world and signifies a covenant between the wearer and God.

That’s AMAZING! They even have a special section for misconceptions like how their garments do not have knee and nipple protectors (I’m sure everyones first question when they think of underwear..) or how boys do not masterbate in them since they do not get to wear them until they are an adult and masterbation is wrong.

What happens though if someone has poor hygiene and skid stains them? Is he “shitting” on God? I even heard some people when bathing will keep it to the side of their bath so their arm can at least still make contact with it to remain constantly close with God. The website said they want to remain with them as much as possible to have an even longer covenant with God.

Who came up with this idea?!? If I was sitting around a table with people brain storming, thinking of something symbolic to represent our connection to God and someone said “hey gang, what about special underwear?” I would hold a counsil meeting and vote him off the fucking team! Put your torch out, pack your bags, get the fuck up outta dodge.

No wonder God likes them so much! So seductive!

I’m sure most of you can relate to me when I say: It fucking SUCKS smashing your “funny bone”. Today I hit my “funny bone” and my hand was paralyzed for a minute. What a flaw in our design! Why isn’t that part of the elbow protected a little better? We should have shells like turtles there or something, shit, way to let us down evolution! I looked up why exactly it is called a “funny bone” and here is what I found:

“A pun on the word humerus. It is the inner condyle of the humerus; or, to speak untechnically, the knob, or enlarged end of the bone terminating where the ulnar nerve is exposed at the elbow; the crazy bone. A knock on this bone at the elbow produces a painful sensation” – Infoplease.com

Following this years word of the year I’m sure thanks to US politicians it’s time for CHANGE!!! Who’s with me! No longer shall we refer to it as the funny bone! There is nothing funny about it! Well except to those around me who laugh at ones misfortunes (ok so I’d laugh too if it didn’t happen to me) but lets make this happen. From now on lets call it anything similar to: “painful bone”, “fucking hurts bone” or “god damn bone”.

shit's weak!

I’m submitting this to see if it can be in Playboy or Hustler or something.

Do you think a UFC fighter has ever gotten a boner during a fight? Like he’s all tangled up with his competitor and his erectile tissue relaxes causing what they call a “spontaneous erection”. I wonder if that would be beneficial to you as suddenly the guy you are mounting makes eye contact with a protruding member pulsating near his/her head or if you would get really self conscious and lose concentration, slip up and lose.

It’s against the rules to hit someone there so you are at least safe from that, so maybe someone should train a week with a boner and use it to their advantage to win the title! After researching, I found it to be a popular tactic:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NRL21_qcWKo]

In Clydebank, Scotland, a 34-year-old primary school teach was convicted in September from a 2007 in which during a drive to work he was arrested after stopping in front of a high school & fondling himself with an electrical vibrator plugged into his car’s cigarette lighter.

Can you imagine a funnier sight?! How nonchalant is that? Stopping in front of a high school, pulling your pants down, plugging in your vibrator to your CIGARETTE LIGHTER and going to town on yourself!? Hey buddy, the 80’s called, they want their play toy back.

As far as I know, nothing made in the last 2 decades has had a plug attached to it, I’m pretty sure it’s this very reason that batteries were created. You can use it anywhere and nobody knows, like writing a blog in front of people for example.. *cough*

The only threat you have is getting paid a visit from the pleasure police!

How come it’s only pirates you ever see with a peg leg. How come you never see cowboys or a knight rocking one? Is that like a specific characteristic? Like a gay guy having a lisp? (JOKING!!!!) Do you think modern day pirates have peg legs ever? I’ve been reading in the news paper lately they’ve had a bunch of ships hijacked by pirates and this excites me. I still picture them all throwing up a skull & cross bones black flag, the captain rocking a parrot on the shoulder and a hook for a hand. I googled modern pirates and was deeply disappointed with what I found..

pfft...BORING. slap an eye patch on and cut your leg off already.

I saw on television today an awards ceremony for literature (books). Shouldn’t they just do it all via books? If you want fewer people watching television and more picking up books, it seems like a horrible idea to hold your ceremony on tv! That’s like having your anti-racism talk at a hall you rented from the KKK.

winner of best fictional book...just a joking everyone

The other day in the metro there was an article about a boy who wanted an mp3 player in his prosthetic leg. The article went on to say how people have been wanting to develop that but does this not seem absurd to anyone else? I don’t have a prosthetic leg personally but from what I have seen there is a lot of room in there, so why an mp3 player? Mp3 players come the size of a dime these days, so why do you want it developed into your leg? Do you want ear phone jacks coming out of your knee caps? If you want to put something in there why not put a video game system and a little television, way better! you could store an external hard drive & a mac mini and carry around a billion songs, videos and so much more. If you are going to utilize space, why not make the most of it!

*credit to Andy for legstation.